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Saturday, 10 October 2015
Ways To Help Your Marriage Survive Infidelity
Yes I said it! But I don’t mean it in any ordinary terms and you’ll get to understand more as you read. I’m saying your marriage can be restored after the gut-wrenching realization that you have just been cheated on by your spouse. However…
Things can’t go back to status quo.
Infidelity occurs quite often in our society to the point where it has almost become the norm. “It’s a known fact that men are not monogamous by nature” you hear most of the male gender blurt out when asked why they cheat OR “He has cheated on me enough and what a man can do a woman can do better!” comes the retort of the women who feel justified by their actions.
We cheat because we have gotten it all muddled up!
You do not cheat because your spouse did. One way to have a ridiculously insane marriage is to serve “payback” on a platter. You will literally be hurting yourself thinking you are hurting them. But my goal today isn’t to discuss why people cheat (we can leave that for another article ), I’d like to tell you how to avoid the effects of your spouse’s indiscretion from crippling your marriage.
You will have to unravel all the mystery!
Once your spouse has confessed to being unfaithful, shown remorse for their deplorable behavior and you have decided to forgive them and move on with working on your marriage (and after all the glass breaking, plate smashing and any other way you choose to express your anger – P.S. don’t break anything! It’ll just cost you more to replace. Save your energy for the next steps), you have taken your first steps towards a renewed marriage.
Things have got to change though.
Now, you have the right to ask that a few changes be made to the way you both have conducted your affairs (pun not intended) in your marriage.
It can’t be business as usual for the cheating spouse anymore.
If they have vowed to make things better, then they are now tasked with putting some muscle behind that “sweet mouth”. You will need to see a few changes in their behavior (including but not limited to NEVER seeing that individual again) and they will have to undergo a few tests *ahem*! So here goes! (Watch This Video For More On How To Survive Infidelity)
1. They have to be jointly committed to the process to rebuild the marriage – nothing could be worse than “forcing” them into fixing your marriage. That won’t work, as that would force them out the door again. They have to put their skin in the game.
2. They need to accept responsibility for straying – sometimes the cheating spouse refuses to take responsibility that they went down the wrong path. They confess to some sort of “entanglement” but don’t necessarily take responsibility for their action and might blame external factors. Unless they accept responsibility, you might as well keep lying to yourselves.
3. No more hiding – All the ‘not telling you where they are going’ and covert meetings and appointments that are more secret than SSS operations, will have to come to an end. They will have to share their whereabouts (it’s your right), allow you to check in on them (don’t they miss hearing your voice?), call you and let you know when they’ll be late etc. In essence, as a married couple, neither party should be left wondering where or what their spouse is up to at any point. Transparency is key and it builds trust (which is lacking in a marriage that has experienced infidelity).
4. Honey! Let’s get tested – Whether they swear on the graves of their mother, father or ancestors that they used protection, that’s not good enough. Unfortunately, there has been an exchange with someone outside of your union and as such, you need to ensure that nothing was passed on to your partner and inevitably to you. You BOTH need to get tested! End of.
5. New Memories – Your marriage has obviously suffered a major setback. When you experience infidelity, your spouse managed to side step all happy memories you had with them or were acting out of the lack of happy memories between the both of you. The reasoning behind their actions doesn’t matter, you BOTH need to work together to build new memories that will take you through this new beginning in your marriage. You can go back and look through the good times as a reminder (e.g. pictures are a great way), but ensure that this exercise is one that encourages you to look forward to creating more fun memories and not one that takes you back to the times when all hell had broken lose.
So there you have it! Five ways that will help your marriage get back on its way to restoration. I know a lot of people will read this and might ‘guffaw’ saying these things don’t work for us Africans. Hmmm. The one thing I have to say in response to that – perhaps you are not ready for a transformation. I believe it was St. Paul who said; “…but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Romans 12:2.
If you want to see changes in your marriage, your mind and actions have to go through a major renewal. Do different! Experience different!
I’d love to hear from you, ask your questions, share your views, comment, like and share this article with a loved one who might need it. Sharing is caring!
Here’s to a renewed mindset and a restored marriage!
I saw this in The Guardian and i think it a very interesting topic. The article is written by ZeeZee Ihe-Okuneye.